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Beauty Rooted in Love

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Sitting in a corner of the office, I once again felt deliberately excluded as people whispered around me. Old paranoia triggered feelings of shame and hurt, causing me to withdraw. The once cherished, supportive work environment suddenly became a place where I didn’t belong.

It all started with an almost-argument with my kind co-worker. Her sharp retort and the uncharacteristic turning of her back on me during a conversation felt like a slap in the face. Immediately, I plunged into feeling unworthy and unlikeable.

Her slight only served to magnify my long-term struggles with my image. Accusing thoughts started to taunt me: She must find me irritating. Unlikeable. My comment today is the last straw and everyone else agrees with her. Perhaps I annoy them all. Why else would she have reacted as she did?

In the past, I would’ve indulged these thoughts. But instead of entertaining them, I got up from my desk and took sanctuary in the ladies room. There I cried out to God. My cry was a healing and essential one that turned my eyes once again from me to Him.

I have come so far in recent months in the area of self-esteem. Before, my deeply rooted feelings of unworthiness and rejection would have been much worse. Instead of passing thoughts, I would have hung onto them and believed them. Resentment would have been close behind.

My twenties were not entirely unsociable years, yet I never made close friendships. Not one. I now realize it was to protect myself from anyone getting to know who I really am, only to then reject me.

But that all changed 15 months ago.

I remember clearly when I heard Joyce Meyer speaking on freedom from fear of rejection and disapproval. And the following days when God gently showed me she was talking about me!

“For I have loved you with an everlasting love,” is the promise of Jeremiah 31 and one I was finally able to understand in a way I never had before.

My inability to really know God’s love for me, to see myself as He sees me through His eyes was impacting how I related to other people. The revelation that I was projecting my own self-image onto the way people saw me explained many things including the recent loss of a friendship that was very precious. Among other things, I was unable to really be myself with this individual, instead battling fear each time I received an email as I scanned the lines for the rejection and disapproval I expected to see.

2 Corinthians 5:17 tells me that those in Christ are “a new creation; the old has gone and the new has come.” When God first impressed this verse on my heart, I inwardly rebelled, “Lord, I’m not a new Christian!” Yet, how I needed to know this truth!

It’s only as I’ve been freed into understanding His love that I can see just how much my wrong, deeply ingrained self-image impacted all of my life and relationships. Now I know, really know, in whose image I’ve been created. I know who loved me before the creation of the world and has enabled me to be a “new creation.” How easy it was for me to see myself through the eyes of other people. How much better it is for me to see myself as Jesus sees me, through His eyes of love.

I know that part of the reason for my over-reaction to my co-worker was because I love this kind-hearted woman and her thoughtful ways. Her rejection impacted me deeply. Still, it didn’t pierce me as it would have before. Instead of harboring hard feelings, I decided to respond like Jesus. That weekend I sent her an online message, wishing her well for the next week and telling her she’s still my favorite co-worker.

The following day at work she once again included me in a friendly comment. It’s all the encouragement I needed.

“I wrote you a message…” I began.

“I know,” she smiled, “I just saw it. Thank you.”

It hit me. It was my message of love that enabled her to revert back to her old friendliness towards me. I wondered, Could it be she also lacks confidence? That her kindness masks shyness of her own and in fact, I have the capacity to hurt her?

What a realization! Not only can a poor self-image blind me to the hurts and needs of myself, but also to others. It inhibited me from responding with grace and mercy.

I’m still learning how other people’s reactions and opinions don’t accurately reflect who I am. I may still have moments of paranoia when rejection and fear chase me, even with close Christian friends. But I’m free to be more and more established and rooted in Jesus’ love and image of who I am. Now I find His image of me is reflected in my health and well-being. I walk taller, feel whole, filled with purpose and confidence. I even feel more awake! There is even a change in the way I present myself on the outside.

Perhaps, the best thing about my esteem being deeply-rooted in the truth of God’s love for me is the way it has increased my love for others. Reflecting back a true image of God only happens as I understand who I really am in Him, as I see myself in the mirror of His love, focusing on the truth in His Word.

Sarah Lidbury has recently arrived at a stage in life where she is finding it difficult not to go around shouting about God’s wonderful goodness! After years of CFS and much gentle inner healing by Jesus of the emotional causes, she is recently experiencing more freedom in all areas of life than she once thought possible. It feels as if God is truly “restoring the years the locusts have eaten.” She works full time for social services, loves her little rented flat (in the middle of a seaside town), and is enjoying the meaningful and mutually encouraging friendships that God has blessed her with in recent years. She also loves worshipping and serving within her church fellowship. She is in eager expectation of how God will continue to use and bless her, as she now knows He loves to do. Her story and other articles can be checked out in her blog, In God’s Hands.
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Sarah Lidbury has recently arrived at a stage in life where she is finding it difficult not to go around shouting about God's wonderful goodness! After years of CFS and much gentle inner healing by Jesus of the emotional causes, she is recently experiencing more freedom in all areas of life than she once thought possible. It feels as if God is truly "restoring the years the locusts have eaten." She works full time for social services, loves her little rented flat (in the middle of a seaside town), and is enjoying the meaningful and mutually encouraging friendships that God has blessed her with in recent years. She also loves worshipping and serving within her church fellowship. She is in eager expectation of how God will continue to use and bless her, as she now knows He loves to do. Her story and other articles can be checked out in her blog, In God's Hands.

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When Doing Justly, Loving Mercy, and Walking Humbly Stand at Odds

If your compassion far exceeds your capacity, here’s one way you can be sure to do justly, love mercy, and walk humbly.

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One of my life verses is Micah 6:8, “He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”

It is one of my favorite verses because my heart has been so moved by the love Jesus has for me and the sacrifice He made for me that I am grateful to have a way to express my gratitude through acts of justice and mercy while walking humbly with God.

I have found at times, however, the call to do justice and love mercy come in conflict with the call to walk humbly with God. For me, one of the ways to walk humbly with God is to recognize my limitations. I have to put skin to the fact that I am not God which means saying, “no” to ministry requests. It means going to sleep when I could be spending time advocating for the harrowed and helpless in the world. It means limited seats at my table, limited funds in my bank account, and limited energy in my body cannot be ignored but respected and adhered to.

This is hard for me at times, especially when I scroll my Facebook feed and see friends who are caring for their really sick children, spouse, or other family member all while millions of refugees flee war torn countries and babies are slaughtered by the hundreds each day in our country through the abortion industry.

As I scroll, I receive texts about one family member’s surgery gone wrong and another family member announcing a new baby is on the way. I have in mind my neighbor who has inpatient surgery scheduled this week and another neighbor who is trying to hold down a full-time job, care for twins all while battling profound “morning” sickness.

Folks at church are fighting for their lives in physical and spiritual ways, and strangers who pass me on the road are clearly battling something as demonstrated by their impatient honking because I won’t take a right turn on red. I want to meet the needs of all; I want to do justice and love mercy, but I’m daily confronted by the fact that I am so limited.

What am I to do when doing justly and/or loving mercy seem to come in conflict with walking humbly with my God?

God keeps bringing me to this answer: prayer.

God invites us to cast our cares before Him because He cares for us.
God tells us to be anxious for nothing BUT WITH PRAYER present our requests before Him.
God commands us to pray without ceasing.

And, when I walk humbly with God, I see the immense kindness in His command.
He gives us a way to do justly, love mercy WHILE walking humbly with Him.
It is by praying without ceasing.

I cannot take a meal or give money to every sick person or family I know. I cannot extend kindness to all my neighbors all at the same time they’re in need nor conjure up sustainable solutions for the refugee crisis and contact all the necessary world powers to make it happen.

I cannot heal all, but I know the Healer.

I cannot provide for all the needs, but I know the Provider.

I cannot rescue everyone in need, but I know the Rescuer.

I cannot comfort all the broken, but I know the Comforter.

I cannot speak peace over every situation, but I know the Prince of Peace.

I cannot be all to all, but I can go to the Great I Am through prayer, lay all the people, problems and pleas for help before the Omniscient and Omnipresent God of all Creation.

I can do this through prayer.

Recently, via an Instagram contest of all things, I came upon A–Z prayer cards designed by blogger/author/speaker, Amelia Rhodes. It is a simple concept packed with a powerful prayer punch. It has served me personally in this tension of wanting to do far more than I practically can do. It provides prayer prompts starting with each letter of the alphabet along with a scripture that coincides with the prayer focus. It ranges from Adoption to a creative “Zero Prejudice” for the letter “Z.”

The cards are well thought out, color printed on sturdy cardstock with blank lines for the user to write in the names of people and/or organizations that are personal to them.

If, like me, your compassion far exceeds your capacity, pick up a set of these prayer cards and unload your burdens onto a God whose competence matches His kindness, both boundless.

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Facing Our Fears in Motherhood

Do you have fears tied to motherhood? If so, here’s encouragement for you.

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“Are you scared?”

I was taken aback by his question. Scared? Of what?

“Of anything,” he answered.

I had just shared my due date with a new class of trainees.

“He has three boys,” another new hire volunteered. So fear is to be expected, I reasoned. I’m just about to face the most frightening experience in my life.

Of course I was scared.

I was scared…

  • I’ll lose my temper.
  • I’ll whine about sleepless nights.
  • I’ll breastfeed too often or not often enough.
  • I’ll leave piles of unfolded onesies in the middle of the nursery floor because I’m too tired (or lazy?) to fold teeny-tiny baby clothes for the upteenth time.
  • I’ll go with disposable diapers when the better choice would be cloth.
  • I’ll work too many long hours at the office and miss precious moments with her.
  • I’ll sign her up for too many activities and push her to become Miss Achieve-It-All.
  • I’ll pass on to her my ugly pride, self-righteousness, and perfectionism like a dreadful contagious disease.
  • I’ll miss countless little joys in life while pursuing worthless dreams.

Facing Our Fears in MotherhoodIn short… I was afraid I was going to fail miserably as a parent.

And now, holding my second-born daughter in my arms, thinking back on that brief exchange just a few years ago, I realize those fears were well-founded. I’ve failed many times. I’ve lost my temper. I’ve raised my voice. I’ve worked too much and played too little. I’ve seen my own sinfulness reflected in my daughter.

Yes, I’ve failed, but over and above it all, God’s grace has covered my parenting imperfections and made me run to the cross day after day. The writer of Proverbs puts it this way:

Whoever fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for their children it will be a refuge.
Proverbs 14:26

When it comes to fears, we have two choices: Will we fear the unknown or will we fear the Lord? Will we allow the uncertain to grip us in its clutch or will we turn to God’s Truth to set us free?

Scared? Oh yeah. There was so much to be scared of that day. And even now, if I’m completely honest, there are still fears nibbling at the edges of my consciousness. Fear that we won’t outgrow the temper tantrums. Fear that the two girls won’t get along. Fear that I’ll mess them up and cause them interminable hours on a psychologist’s couch.

I’m sure you have fears, too.

But rather than allow those fears to consume and paralyze us, we can take them to the Lord, acknowledging His sovereignty over our parenting, pleading His grace over our mistakes, and entrusting His provision over their futures. He is not only able to handle it all — He is far more capable to be trusted with it all.

If I say one thing to that frightened 9-month-pregnant me standing in that room years ago, I would say this: Don’t let fear rob today’s joy with tomorrow’s unknowns. Each day has enough worries of its own (Matthew 6:34).

Instead, let us keep seeking God, running to Him as our secure fortress and resting in the knowledge that He will care for us and our children one day at a time.

What are you scared of today? Name your fears and bring them to the Lord, allowing Him to replace them with His peace that passes all understanding.

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He Gives Shade To The Weary

If anxiety is a struggle for you right now, remember that He gives shade to the weary.

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Do you ever have those moments of fear because you don’t know what lies ahead? When do those thoughts tend to happen to you?

For me, most of those thoughts happen when I lay my head down to sleep at night. The vulnerability comes forth every time. That’s what happened the other night to me. I shut my eyes and immediately anxiety welled up inside me.

What if we don’t succeed in this new venture? What if we have to move? What if we can’t pay our bills?

I laid there with the covers drawn tight over my head (I still think that I am safer if the covers are over my head), praying scripture over my anxious heart. Assuring myself that God sees me and that He cares.

In the morning, I turned to Isaiah 41, specifically verses 10-20.

“Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” (Isaiah 41:10, NASB)

Yesterday, the “what if’s” piled up as I anxiously looked about me. My daughter needs tutoring, however at this point in life, tutoring feels like a luxury we can’t afford. So I listed some items online to sell hoping to make just enough to cover the tutoring. I’m buying groceries on a Visa reward card. I’m holding my breath until the next paycheck comes. But what did God speak over me: Do not fear. Do not look anxiously about you.

“For I am the Lord your God, who upholds your right hand, Who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you.’ Do not fear, you worm Jacob, you men of Israel; I will help you,” declares the Lord, “and your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel.” (Isaiah 41:13-14 NASB)

Why shouldn’t I be anxious? Because God will hold me up. God will help me. When I first read the word “worm” as a description, I took it as a slam against Israel. Like, gesh, God. What animal does He relate me to? But through further study, He calls them a worm because worms are helpless. They are viewed as insignificant, despised and weak. God will help me — seemingly insignificant, helpless me — because He is my Redeemer. He is my go’el — my next of kin. The Redeemer is the one who provides for all my needs. Rent. Car payment. Credit card bill. Gas. Food. Clothes. Debt. God will redeem.

He Gives Shade to the Weary

“Behold, I have made you a new, sharp threshing sledge with double edges; You will thresh the mountains and pulverize them, And will make the hills like chaff. You will winnow them, and the wind will carry them away, And the storm will scatter them; But you will rejoice in the Lord, You will glory in the Holy One of Israel.” (Isaiah 41:15-16 NASB).

God is transforming me from a helpless one to a powerful one. The description of that type of threshing sledge is like a modern day earth mover. Powerful. Strong. Immovable.

“The afflicted and needy are seeking water, but there is none, And their tongue is parched with thirst; I, the Lord, will answer them Myself, As the God of Israel I will not forsake them.” (Isaiah 41:17, NASB)

He will come to our rescue. God, Himself, will answer you and me. Can you hear how personal that sounds? Have you ever pleaded with someone important whether your boss, public figure, or even a parent, and they responded to the need themselves? You expected for them to send their assistant, but instead they — the most important one — responded to you.

“I will open rivers on the bare heights And springs in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water And the dry land fountains of water. I will put the cedar in the wilderness, The acacia and the myrtle and the olive tree; I will place the juniper in the desert Together with the box tree and the cypress.” (Isaiah 41:18-19, NASB)

This passage describes the wilderness-like times in life. You are barren. You are thirsty. You are hot. You are in need. God will provide what you need. God will quench your thirst. He will provide shade when you are weary. During those times, God can provide in creative, innovative ways. He can provide something out of nothing. Doesn’t that give you great hope? Even when you can’t answer how He will do it, He is creative enough to figure it out even when the odds are stacked against you.

“That they may see and recognize, And consider and gain insight as well, That the hand of the Lord has done this, And the Holy One of Israel has created it.” (Isaiah 41:20 NASB).

God will do all of this so that His glory will be put on display. People — including yourself — will see that He is powerful.

So you can see how after a night of wrestling with fear and anxiety, reading this was like shade and water for my soul. God is a god who sees. And God is a god who acts on your behalf.

What do you need His help with today? What are you fearful about today? What keeps you awake at night? Where do you need some shade?

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Beauty Rooted in Love

by Sarah Lidbury time to read: 4 min
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