Ask Arlene: A Question from a Male Reader



I’m a single Christian guy in my mid-30’s and have unsuccessfully been looking for a godly wife for some time. I’ve been on a few dates here and there, but they are far between and nothing which lasted long term.

My greatest hurdle is that I cannot get that “first date” with girls. The vast majority of them turn me down. I am physically fit, financially secure, I own (two) homes, and am comfortable in social situations.

However, I have one big negative: I am an Asian male (Korean). It seems in this country, they are the least desirable of the male population (even some Asian women don’t like dating Asian males). The numbers back this up. About 70% of all Asian/White marriages involve a White male and an Asian female (like yourself). And how often do you see Asian male/non-Asian pairings in the media; almost never (compared to the opposite). Asian males in the media are often portrayed as nerdy, scrawny, asexual, socially inept, and only good at martial arts or solving your computer and math issues.

Even in online dating (regardless of Christian or not), when I see races someone is willing to date, “Asian” is notably absent (and often the ONLY absent one). Even those who don’t specify, often they don’t return my messages.

So, what can I do about this?

Thank you for addressing my concerns.


Dear Mike,

Thanks so much for taking the time to ask this question. Since most of our readers are female, I venture some of them will find comfort in the fact that you as a male are having a hard time dating successfully. Many women feel the same way!

You are doing the right things. Being physically fit, financially secure, and sociable are all very attractive to women. Most women will overlook a man’s ethnicity. She is looking for any man who makes her feel special and beautiful. I think men typically are more into appearance than women. A woman wants a man who will take interest in her — talking, listening and laughing together. It’s largely about your character and the way you communicate. Being together should be natural and fun. If she senses that you are tense or defensive about your ethnicity, she will walk the other way. As much as you can, don’t stress about being Korean or focus on race relation statistics. The right woman will find you attractive just as you are.

Perhaps you will have to work a little harder to fight stereotypes that Asian men are weak or that they are tech-geeks incapable of romance. (You can prove them wrong!) From your question, it is obvious that you are a confident leader. Instead of looking at dating as a game where you have been dealt a poor hand, think of it as a journey between one man (you) and one woman (your future wife) stepping into God’s design. This isn’t about statistics or stereotypes (focusing on that is just plain discouraging). This is about your life and her life.

Be prayerful about your mate and ask God to open your eyes when she comes in the picture. It would be great to be friends first. Get to know her outside the microscope of dating.

Who knows? There might be a woman reading this very answer who is interested in getting to know you a little bit more!


In her monthly column, “Ask Arlene,” author and speaker Arlene Pellicane answers readers’ questions. If you have a question you’d like her to consider for this column, submit a question here.
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Arlene Pellicane is a speaker and author of 31 Days to Becoming a Happy Mom and 31 Days to a Happy Husband. She is also the co-author of Growing Up Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World (with Gary Chapman). She has been a featured guest on The Today Show, Fox & Friends, Focus on the Family, FamilyLife Today, The 700 Club, and Turning Point with Dr. David Jeremiah. Arlene lives in the San Diego area with her husband James and their three children. To learn more and for free family resources such as a monthly Happy Home podcast, visit

  • MIna

    This guy sounds great! I would throw out a suggestion, yes, the dreaded set-up. But only asking a highly trusted few, those who know you the best. It’s just that I know several couples who were set up by a pastor/priest or family member (parents, aunt/uncle, etc) who went on to have solid, loving marriages. My husband and I were *strongly* encouraged together by my parents. Also, location can be a big factor. If one lives in an area where women tend to be highly focused on career or partying, He’s at a disadvantage. Many good people are in their 30s and still waiting for their spouse. He’s in good company. Keep praying, looking and trying!

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Ask Arlene: A Question from a Male Reader

by Arlene Pellicane time to read: 2 min