Connect with us

Articles

What Not to Say to Someone Grieving a Miscarriage

Here are a few things not to say to someone grieving a miscarriage.

Spread the love

Published

on

Maybe you have a friend who’s recently lost a preborn baby. If so, what are some other types of statements to avoid? Here are a few things not to say to someone grieving a miscarriage.

————-

At least…

I’d never realized how wounding these two words could be until after my first-trimester miscarriage.

“At least it didn’t happen later in your pregnancy,” one individual commented. “That would’ve been harder.”

“At least you have three other kids,” someone else shared. “I’m sure they bring you comfort.”

As well intended as these statements were, they felt dismissive. With them came this sense that others wanted to fix my pain by shifting my focus away from my grief.

What I found, though, was I needed to have my sorrow validated. I wanted others to gently come alongside me and allow me to freely mourn in my own way and my own time.

3 Things Not to Say to Someone Grieving a Miscarriage

Maybe you have a friend who’s recently lost a preborn baby. If so, what are some other types of statements to avoid? Here are a few things not to say to someone grieving a miscarriage.

1. God works everything out for good.

It’s true that Romans 8:28 does tell us this. Yet there’s a time and place for reminding others of this verse, and it isn’t following a miscarriage.

I mourned the tiny fingers that would never clasp mine, the first giggle I’d never hear, and the first step I’d never witness. It wasn’t helpful to be told how God would “someday” work my baby’s death out for my good. Instead, it was hurtful.

However, I did find Scripture comforting as I mourned. Yet it wasn’t those verses that pointed me to the future or even the hope of seeing my baby in heaven one day. It was the verses that met me where I currently was. Verses such as, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted” (Psalm 34:18), reminded me that God cared about my pain.

2. It’ll get easier with time.

In my book, Braving Sorrow Together, my friend and grief expert Jenny Schroedel shares that with time we do learn to carry our grief “more lightly.” For me, this took years. And even now, seven years after my miscarriage, ultrasound and due date anniversaries still sting.

Being told that loss “will get easier with time” isn’t comforting to grieving parents. The fact is they aren’t living in the future, they are mourning in the present. What’s more helpful is to recognize and affirm that the here and now is excruciatingly hard. It’s better to say, “I’m sorry” and “I’m here for you.”

3. Are you going to have another baby?

A miscarriage is a complex loss to mourn. It is the death of an unseen, never-before-met individual. There aren’t any memories with this tiny person or concrete reminders that he or she existed, such as toys or clothes. Even so, to this preborn baby’s parents, this child is unique and irreplaceable.

Following the death of our pre-born baby, it was vitally important to me to honor and remember this child. I wanted others to echo the truth that no one, not even another baby, could replace this life.

The Best Thing You Can Say

The grief of losing a preborn baby isn’t a sorrow that can be rushed or fixed. The statements above, as well as theories of why it happened, such as “something must’ve been wrong with your baby” or “God needed your baby in heaven,” only bring additional hurt.

Instead, the best things you can say are the simple ones that affirm grief and offer ongoing support.

So the next time you talk to someone grieving a miscarriage, make a decision to abandon any “at least” statements and offer them an “I’m so sorry” instead.

This was originally posted at Praise.com.

Spread the love

Ashleigh Slater is the author of the books Braving Sorrow Together: The Transformative Power of Faith and Community When Life is Hard and Team Us: The Unifying Power of Grace, Commitment, and Cooperation in Marriage. With over twenty years of writing experience and a master’s degree in communication, she loves to combine the power of a good story with practical application to encourage and inspire readers. Ashleigh lives in Atlanta with her husband, Ted, and four daughters.

Welcome to Ungrind!

Do you want to be inspired, motivated, and equipped to live the everyday story of your life well?

If so, you’re in the right place. Whether you need encouragement in your relationships or in your faith, I hope you’ll find the transparent voices of mentors and friends here at Ungrind.

So, grab a cup of coffee and keep reading. We're so glad you're here!

Ashleigh Slater, Founder & Managing Editor

Get Our Free Ebook!

Sign up to receive weekly emails from Ungrind and you’ll get the free ebook, Better Together. Be encouraged by stories of hope from women just like you!

Latest Articles

What Women Are Saying

"Ungrind speaks to women who yearn to look beyond the surface and get to the heart of life; whose purposes and loves are eternal. Their articles are practical, spiritual, and encouraging. In a world of shiny treasures that will corrode before we can blink, Ungrind helps us focus on the things that matter -- remembering that we are, first and foremost, women of God."

--Rachel Starr Thomson, author of Heart to Heart: Meeting With God in the Lord's Prayer

Featured Resource

"Real life is not always pleasant. Every marriage experiences disappointments, misunderstandings, sickness and financial crisis. Ashleigh doesn’t camouflage the pain in her own marriage, and offers practical ideas on how to walk through the difficulties and find intimacy on the journey. If you are anything like me, I predict that as you read, you too will find yourself laughing, wiping tears, and saying 'Oh, yes.'"

-- Gary Chapman, #1 New York Times bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages

Disclosure

We are a member of the Amazon affiliate program and regularly use affiliate links. If you purchase an item from an Amazon link we provide, we will receive a small referral commission. This doesn’t cost you anything additional. We only share books, music, and products that our writers personally have used and highly recommend.

Trending

Ungrind

What Not to Say to Someone Grieving a Miscarriage

by Ashleigh Slater time to read: 3 min