The Water’s Fine

On behalf of the Senior Water Aerobics class, welcome. You’ll get to know the ladies in time, but from the looks of that bump, it doesn’t appear that you have all that much time. Good heavens, when are you due? Nine more weeks? Are you carrying twins? No? Are you sure? Wow, that is one. Big. Baby. God bless you. Go easy, Honey. We don’t want you to overdo it and end up going into labor in the pool – Heaven help us all.

I’m Ana. How are you? Just back from surgery. Doc said I gotta keep moving if I want to stay off the meds. Oh Honey, my knees. My hips. Take it easy. You don’t want to overdo it and end up going into labor in the pool. How long did you say you had to go, bless your heart? Anyway, my ortho says I gotta keep moving if I’m going to stay off the meds and don’t-you-know I’ve gone from a snug size 16 to a comfortable size 12, thank you. Haven’t lost the weight though. Can you believe that? Oh well. Gotta stay afloat somehow, right? Speaking of weight, boy, I bet you are tired of carrying around that watermelon. If I were you, I’d stay in the water ’til your due. When are you due again? Heaven help you, 9 weeks? Take it easy. The water is cold today.

Welcome back! How’s that baby? Have you gotten bigger since last week? There is no way you are going to make it another 8 weeks, Honey. Oh, and take it easy. The water is cold again today.

You looked startled by me in the shower stall this morning. Forgive me. I forget that those shower curtains are there for people who still want privacy. The ladies and I aren’t all that into modesty anymore. We shed our inhibitions with our strawberry two pieces shortly after Watergate. But in case you didn’t notice, we’re all shaped the same – short and round. That’s what happens when you get to be our age. Well, in your case, round is true enough. But don’t worry. You’ll lose the weight nursing, Lord willing.

I heard Janice say she thought you were a cute pregnant lady, but the look on your face said that you feel anything but cute. You’re probably thinking about the extra 30 pounds you’re carrying and wondering if you will ever feel cute again. Honey, that’s the thing about motherhood: Your body may never go back to the way it was, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be comfortable in your own skin. Take it from me. You will blink and that baby will be in his mid-50’s with grown children of his own. Hopefully, you will look in the mirror and rather than curse the hips that once cooperated in a size 4, you will be grateful that those same hips served as the entryway to new life. You won’t remember the pain, thank God.

When you look at your chest, rather than shame in its foresaken perkiness, you will remember the moment the doctor laid your new baby boy on it and you sighed with relief that the pain was finally over and here is your reward. A mother never forgets that smell. Am I right, Janice?

You will remember the night … after night after night, after … you thought you couldn’t stay awake another moment longer to nurse the little life-sucker, but eventually, he weans himself and next thing you know, you are sneaking into his room in the middle of the night stroking his velvety head wishing he would wake up and beg you to nurse him just one more time.

Don’t even get me started about my knees. That’s right. My knees. Did you know I’ve had two knee surgeries? My ortho says I gotta keep moving if I’m going to stay off the meds. There was a time when I had sworn off all shorts and skirts that showed off my knees. Heaven forbid I was caught dead in a swimsuit. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against knees, but my varicose veins were so bad after my pregnancies, my legs looked like they had their own GPS system. When my son was a teenager and he was trying to find himself or whatever-they-call-it … what are they calling it, Janice? He was getting into all sort of trouble – choosing the wrong friends. His grades were slipping. He got involved with drugs. I spent more time on my knees praying and begging God to protect my baby and to bring him home when I had no idea where he was or if he would ever come home again. He eventually did, thank God. But sometime after my second surgery … I had two surgeries, did you know? After my second one, I got over my thing with knees. Now every time I look down at my GPS knees, I remember those nights that I spent on them praying that my boy would come home.

Like I said, me and the ladies aren’t all that concerned with modesty anymore, so if you see more than you signed up for with your gym membership, it’s because we aren’t competing in any beauty pageants any time soon. Who are we kidding? If you stick around, you’ll hear all the stories that our wrinkles, sags, and stitches have to tell.

Don’t be scared. Please come back.

We missed you last week. Mary Kay made it through surgery and Pat’s shoulder is stiff so she’s taking it easy today. We thought you might have gone into labor. Me and the ladies are taking bets on whether you will make it another 6 weeks, I tell you. We don’t expect you to come back to water aerobics after the baby’s born. You’ll be so concerned about getting back in shape that you’ll probably join one of those … what are they called, Janice? Booty camps? Good luck with that.

I can tell by that tortured look on your face you are worried you might stay pregnant forever. You think the next 6 weeks will be the longest 6 weeks of your life. But you know what they say: The older you get, the faster time flies. Next thing you know, that boy will be asking you if he can borrow the car, and soon after his kids will be calling you, “Grandma.” I don’t expect you to believe me. You are still so young, and time is still limping along for you. You haven’t had to bury your parents or a spouse yet. Your knees are far from needing surgery. You are decades away from violating other people’s privacy in the locker room shower stalls. But I hope that one day you will look back and remember these few weeks we shared in the water with nothing but a couple of foam noodles to keep us afloat. In the meantime, good luck in Booty Camp.

Be sure to stay in touch and let us know when you have that baby. The ladies’ luncheon is on Tuesdays and you are always welcome to join. I gorged myself last week in the chicken salad. It’s no wonder the weight isn’t coming off. I’m going to stay for the next class.

It’s okay. The water is warm today.